Frosted Ribbon Loaf

I regret to inform you that this is not a cake recipe.

Cursed tea party spread.

The classic sandwich blueprint hasn't changed much in the past 250-odd years. Though the ingredients vary, they nearly always feature some combination of meat, cheese, veggies, and condiments delivered between two slices of bread. Most people are satisfied with that formula, but recipe developers were operating on a different wavelength in the 1970s. If you ever wished that sandwiches were harder to make, less convenient to eat, and looked more like dessert than lunch, let me introduce to the frosted ribbon loaf.

This culinary oddity comes from the Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book. On their own, the ingredients aren't too bizarre—at least not for an American cookbook published in 1973. Sure, ham salad and egg salad sounds like a lot for one sandwich, but I can see how someone might be into that.

Then the instructions take a disturbing turn. After having you layer the two mayo-based salads and sliced tomato between buttered pieces of bread, they ask you to wrap the massive sandwich in foil and chill it in the fridge. You could stop here, but if you really want to impress your guests, you'll need to frost your loaf with whipped milk and cream cheese. Yes, this recipe features sandwich frosting—a phrase that has the same chilling effect on me as "salad cream." A sprinkle of snipped parsley completes the deranged picture.

If ham salad and egg salad aren't your thing, the recipe notes offer some possible substitutions. Alternate fillings include cream cheese and pineapple, pimiento cheese and olive, honey and peanut butter, and crab meat and mayonnaise. The book doesn't say what kind of occasion might warrant such a fussy dish. In the image above, the loaf is served alongside punch, tea sandwiches, and something called appetizer pie (that's a topic for another post).

Needless to say, this is not a meal made for brown-bagging and taking to the office. On the scale of creative sandwich reimaginings, I would place it somewhere between Uncrustables and the Double Down, with extra points for presentation. Though I can't in good conscience recommend you make this, please let me know if you do, and tell me if you think cream cheese frosting pairs well with egg salad.

Frosted Ribbon Loaf

1 unsliced sandwich loaf
Butter or margarine, softened
1 cup ham salad filling
1 tomato, peeled and thinly slice
1 cup egg salad filling
4 3-ounce packages of cream cheese, softened
1/3 cup milk
Snipped parsley

Slice bread lengthwise in 4 layers; trim crusts. Butter layers. Spread first layer with ham salad filling, arrange tomato slices on second layer, and spread egg salad filling on third layer. Assemble loaf using 2 spatulas to support layers. Wrap in foil; chill. At serving time, beat cream cheese with milk till fluffy. Frost top and sides of loaf. Sprinkle frosted loaf with snipped parsley. Makes 10 slices.